Measuring Shame   A review of Tired of Trying to Measure Up: Getting Free from the Demands, Expectations, and Intimidations of Well-Meaning People by Jeff VanVonderen (©1989, Bethany House,  ISBN: 1-55661-030-0)

 

Jeff VanVonderen was a model, fundamentalist teenage. Ironically, the lessons he learned in church on how to conform to the Christian culture schooled him well in how to conform to any crowd. When he found himself a few short years later in a new group of people addicted to drugs and alcohol, he easily adopted a compliance fully in line with his new-found friends. Shame can be a  conformity  tactic and, unfortunately, the church often employs  shame because it is so effective in enforcing performance. VanVonderen, now a Christian counselor, points to the use of shame within Christian circles as the force that produces outward conformity but inward turmoil. His is not an isolated struggle.

 

VanVonderen is the author of several books: Families Where Grace Is in Place, Good News for the Chemically Dependent and Those Who Love Them, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse (with David Johnston), and When God’s People Let You Down. In  Tired of Trying to Measure Up, he discusses the cycles of those who try hard  to meet standards, and those who give up on meeting the standards set before them. Trying harder and giving up are two sides of the same performance coin. Ironically, those who try hard may not be the healthier of the two groups.

 

VanVonderen describes what he refers to as a shame-based system which can be a part of churches, families or any organization. He lists:

 

       ·                       “Out-loud” shaming

       ·                       Shame-based systems are performance-oriented

       ·                       Unspoken rules govern shame-based systems

       ·                       People in shame-based systems “code” when they talk

       ·                       Shame-based families are idolatrous

       ·                       Shame-based systems have a hard time with kids

       ·                       Shame-based systems are preoccupied with fault and blame

       ·                       Shame-based systems are strong on “head skills”

       ·                       Shame-based systems are weak on “heart skills”

       ·                       People in shame-based systems only look as if their needs are met.

 

He elaborates on each of these points showing how churches and Christian families can be subtly guilty of abuse, wounding individuals emotionally in the name of God.. He continues with a description of spiritual abuse, stating:

 

Without trying to minimize other forms of abuse. I believe there is a kind of abuse that has the potential of being the most devastating. This abuse occurs in the religious arena and wounds people spiritually. It’s one of the most deeply shaming forms of mistreatment and perhaps the most difficult to untangle (64).

 

He lists the reasons why people try harder, and then explains how trying harder to measure up is a trap:

 

Here’s where we can see the irony of trying to perform your way out of shame. Even when affirmations and support come through your shame-grid, your mind rejects the praise…Or you push away the validation because “humility” earned a lot of points in the past. Or you were taught that the way to get God to love you was to hate yourself enough (82).

 

VanVonderen does a remarkable job of pinpointing both the issues and the devastation of shame. In the second half of the book he introduces the solution: Healed by Grace. Though this section is helpful, it centers around cognitive belief. He declares that healing “begins in the mind, the place where you believe and decide things” (94).

 

In the earlier section on shame he says, “Emotions must be thought, not felt,” (49) to describe how shame based systems are weak on heart skills. Yet, seemingly without a trace of implied irony, his ending exercises focus mainly on changing people's thought patterns in order to be healed. He recognizes the importance of emotion, yet he follows the path of many modern Christian counselors who emphasize changing people’s thoughts as the primary mode of healing.

 

Others such as Leanne Payne, in her Pastoral Care Ministries, have gone further in exploring incarnational healing, bringing together both head and heart in the healing process. This combining of the head and heart is new for many fundamentalists who often devalue issues of the heart except for culpability as the home of deceit, in accordance with Jeremiah 17:9.

 

VanVonderen’s material is helpful but simply does not go far enough. Fundamentalists will benefit from reading his books as long as they differentiate between shaming and  legitimate guilt, and if they realize that changing thought patterns is only part of the remedy.

 

by Rachel Ramer