`Quivering Daughters

by

Hillary McFarland

(© 2010, Darklight Press, ISBN 9780984468607)  

NEW: Read ill-legalism's response to criticism of Quivering Daughters here.

Moving. Painful. Tender. Courageous. These words describe Hillary McFarland’s new book, Quivering Daughters: Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy. McFarland addresses the hidden consequences of the Quiverfull movement which is based loosely on Psalm 127:3-5: “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD…happy is the man who has his quiver full of them.” Besides the specific large-family characteristic, she examines harmful aspects of neo-patriarchy. McFarland takes her reader on a journey, often through the words of her diary, to show what a young girl feels in a patriarchical environment[1]. She states that patriarchy is “a formulaic religious lifestyle which promises we will be more Christ-like, more peaceful, more righteous and godly if we adhere to everything it teaches—and do it the right way, just as it prescribes—but in reality leaves us depressed, sad, suicidal, and exhausted.” (p.17) The record of her own pain and shame, expressed through her longing to please and her self-loathing, is multiplied in the sometimes vivid accounts of other daughters suffering in similar situations.

Much of the appeal of Quivering Daughters is the fact that McFarland has found her own voice, and in doing so, she speaks for many others who have no voice or who have not yet found theirs. These individuals still seek God, still attempt to do what is right, still long to please. The controlling, shaming voices of neo-patriarchy still play in their heads, still hinder their self-expression, and still dictate much of their behavior. McFarland tells of adult daughters, living at home and waiting to marry, discouraged from getting an education or exploring a career except to develop a “home business” under the direction of their parents. She describes the micromanagement in dating where adult daughters have almost no say in the choosing of a spouse. She recounts families that look calm and disciplined to outsiders, but where incest occurs. She records the mental and emotional manipulation: the shaming; the berating; the endless lectures about dress, behavior, attitudes, and patriarchal principles. McFarland details the exhaustion that these daughters experience, especially the older ones who help raise siblings in households where birth control is seen as contrary to God’s plan. She then relates the agony of leaving, if they dare to leave, those same siblings, knowing their parents may keep them from communicating with the siblings they helped to raise.

McFarland, seeing the movement from the inside, shares insight into the agony produced by the excessive control. She states, “Somehow I learned at an early age that love wouldn’t come easily. That love is a relationship reward, not a relationship default….” (p.13) She relates that in the upsidedown ethics of the system, it “makes more sense to love others by hating myself” (p.30) and she struggled with thoughts of suicide. She explains, “As a sensitive, dreamy child, my nature responded most to sensory or emotional experiences and was often condemned by others.” (p.55)

Children with strong-willed personalities also suffer, as every individualistic act is interpreted as rebellion. Children with compliant personalities suffer as they learn to conform to unhealthy directives, setting them up for depression and later acquiescence to even more unhealthy relationships.

The situation for women and girls is particularly dangerous within these homes. Any attempt to express their true feelings is seen as an act of feminism, if they do not conform to approved thoughts and emotions.  The female expression of ideas is seen as the result of being “deceived” similar to the deception of Eve by the snake in the garden of Eden. A girl’s father is viewed as her “priest” who has “dominion” over her; she cannot be led by God without her father’s or a husband’s direction. Within this environment, the female longings for creativity, for emotional expression, for comfort and understanding, and for companionship are minimized and even demonized. Sometimes these girls find themselves in sexually dangerous situations because they were taught not to protest, to listen to and give in to men, to deny their own feelings. It is no wonder the women coming from these settings are depressed and distraught.

McFarland highlights the issue of fear within patriocentricity. She states, “Without the emotional element of fear, the patriocentric structure remains skeletal. With fear, it pulses with climatic urgency.” (p.67) She adds, “If you use the Bible and add God’s name to justify and motivate, fear takes on a whole new dynamic.” (p. 68) These young women find it difficult to leave. When they are fearful and have little skill outside of raising children, with no higher education, little self-esteem, and less encouragement, leaving is an enormous risk. The mind control is particularly intricate. McFarland relates the mind-twisting and cognitive dissonance of being told “we are teaching you to think for yourself” but with the results that “within such conditions, freethinking quickly mirrors the dominant pattern of thought controlling the environment.” (p.72)

While McFarland is painfully honest, this is not a parent bashing book. She speaks of positive memories, of love for and from her parents, of longing for better relationships. At the same time, she recognizes the tendency to minimize what happens in these homes. Her courageous reflections not only stand in opposition to harmful practices, but she must quiet the voices of protest within her own mind and heart. She quotes Carla, another daughter of patriarchy, “It’s overwhelming when you learn that what you’ve been taught isn’t true, and that the people you love taught it to you.” (p. 147)

Some have criticized McFarland’s eclectic style. Readers should view this book as a collection of thoughts, feelings, and information. The pages reflect a pouring out of the author’s heart, and a journey through the mine field of neo-patriarchy. This is not intended to be a complete theological exploration of patriarchy. Rather, the critical truth it explores is the harmful impact on the minds and hearts of daughters. Here is an example where experience must inform our hermeneutics. We must see Christianity beyond theological statements and positions; it must penetrate into the center of our relationships.

This book is long overdue for those who are emotionally battered in homes where parents strive for perfection yet sacrifice the hearts and souls of their children. If you know of a young woman in such a situation, this is the book for her.

by Rachel Ramer