A RESPONSE TO "IN YOUR FACE" PARENTING a Review of: Getting Out of Your Kids' Faces and into Their Hearts By Valerie Bell Zondervan 1994, ISBN: 0-310-48451-0

 

When my children were toddlers, my friends and relatives were taken with the Ezzo’s parenting style through Growing Families International. I was fortunate to come across Valerie Bell’s book, Getting Out of Your Kids’ Faces and into Their Hearts. It calmed the inner debate and answered the nagging performance doubts—doubts surrounding not only how well I was performing, but also how well I was supposed to make my kiddos perform.

 

Those of us who grew up with legalism and a focus on performance—a focus which seemed to have God’s stamp of approval—struggle more than others in this calling of Parenting. Parenthood is, in fact, an incredible honor and an irrevocable horror, all in one.Bell, formerly from Chapel of the Air, speaks to this focus with abandon. She is not afraid to address the “child management” approach, which is often fed to parents. She states: “I want parenting to be a relational journey, not just an exercise in ‘little people’ control” (27). She dares to hold to an idealistic relationship which has little to do with performance and a lot to do with…well…relating. She seems to have her finger on the pulse of legalistic parenting when she writes:

 

I see disciplined, managed Christian children everywhere. I grieve that they are missing the soft nurturing side of their parents that would allow them to attach not only to their parents’ values but to their parents themselves. It’s tragic, isn’t it? Especially when you realize how far such parenting falls from God’s ideal system.(30)

 

Bell identifies interfering parents as those who are disconnected from the true needs of the child. Often they are the parents most focused on what ought to be happening in their families. She relates a hilarious yet sad account of trying to get her eldest son to take naps as a one-year-old when, unlike other children that age, he simply no longer needed them. This is in sharp contrast to the regulated scheduling advocated by many Christian parenting "experts."

 

Worst of all, the interfering parents turn the parent-child relationship into a power struggle. They tend to be control-oriented. Interfering parents turn nonissues into battlegrounds and die relationally on almost every hill that comes along. (38)

 

Some will conclude that Bell does not provide enough guidelines for what to do about discipline. Instead, she tells parents to pick out a few values which they will not negotiate, and then avoid “going to war” about the rest. You teach about them, you encourage, but you “choose not to communicate with too much passion or intensity” about them. At the same time, she is not against drawing boundaries. Rather, this book is about an imbalance within Christianity.

 

Bell goes on to explain many problems within parenting, including those characteristics which make parents unsafe emotionally for children. Yet, for those who don’t know how to enjoy their children, the highlight of the book is when she gives pointers on how to have fun, including having a “tacky party” complete with saying tacky things to one another. She also suggests doing something “that blows your children’s minds” like the time she, vehemently opposed to motorcycles, bought dirt-bike motorcycles for her boys. What a surprise and wonderful memory for them that they will pass on to their own children.

 

This book is a wake-up call about focus and performance. For some, it will balance out the tendencies toward too much discipline, perhaps making us at least tolerable for our children. For others, it can free us from legalism in our parenting, breaking that cycle of dependence on proper performance and conditional love for our children and our grandchildren.

      by Rachel Ramer