I have hesitated to tell this portion of my life story because some may see it as just a way to point out the faults and sins of others.  Growing up in a legalistic church brings bitterness and pain to many when they fail to be the perfect Christian that seems to be expected.  I don’t think I have been bitter ……just disheartened by the callousness that I felt from people that I thought would be sensitive and understanding when my life was at a very difficult stage.  Sadly, I believe now that my experiences aren’t that unique.

I married quite young because I was foolish enough to become pregnant before marriage. The young man was also from a legalistic Baptist background so we did what our families would have expected us to do....we married. But the marriage suffered almost immediately. I miscarried and the reason for the marriage was then non-existent. Somehow we never could quite find a focus for our life together from that point on. We migrated from Oklahoma to Colorado in search of meaningful work.

Spiritually, in the meantime, I focused on church attendance. This was the most visible sign of spiritual viability for me. My young husband on the other hand came from a legalistic sect that only recognized membership and attendance at the exact same flavor church. Since he could never seem to find one, he did not attend church and would not attend mine. The marriage lasted 5 years with both of us becoming more miserable and neither of us knowing what or how to fix the problem. I knew the marriage was over when he cleaned out our joint checking account, left all the bills unpaid, and moved in with his girlfriend. He also left me afoot with no means to attend church. 

I called on a family who lived in my neighborhood asking for a ride on Sunday mornings since church attendance was not an option in the paradigm I was used to. The husband in this family also happened to be an elder at the church. They did take me to church a couple of Sundays. I could ride public transportation on weekdays so did not have to presume upon their friendship for anything but Sunday.

After the first two Sundays, this elder made an appointment to come see me and "counsel" me. He came to the house and never asked me what had happened. He just advised me that it would be sinful to divorce and even more sinful to marry again. If I cared for my soul, I would stop this divorce immediately. I sat in shocked and stunned silence. He did not ask me if it would be reasonable or possible to stop a divorce.  In fact, no divorce arrangements were in process. My husband abandoned his new car and went off to Kansas (with the girlfriend) to escape his creditors and was never heard from again. After waiting in credit limbo for almost a year, I finally decided that I had to take legal action to clear the way to good credit again or face almost certain dismissal at my job. I did not seek to dissolve my marriage until it became obvious that I was not solving any problems by delaying legalities. But this was months after the "counseling session" with the representative of the church.

I did not ask the family for a ride again and they never offered one. When I was able to get a car after months of being without, it took me more than a couple of years to overcome my distaste for this brand of church and resume attendance. When I did, I found a few kind souls who immediately made me feel welcome and accepted me as I was, no questions asked and no advice given. So I was back in the fold, but never with a naive belief that I could just expect help. I have observed this same callous handling of people's complex problems over the years and am never surprised when folks shake our dust off their sandals and never return.

I have realized in recalling this episode and the feelings associated with it, that I was shamed and made to feel "un-Christian" for being married to a man more "un-Christian" than myself.  This is a common theme in man's dealings with others:  that the victim is somehow guilty for even being associated with the perpetrator. I tell this story in the hope that others may believe that God doesn't see us as guilty for being a victim and will restore all the losses just as he restored the losses to Job. 

Have you had similar experiences with ill legalism? Join our ill-legalism Story Group, a safe place where some of us gather to share what we have gone through and how we are coping with leaving the Legalist fold. (Not the same as the Discussion Group.)